Raking

I'm not a very date-focused person.  To me, each day seems new and unique from all its predecessors.  I do not automatically attach extra significance to days because they happen to be anniversaries of past events.  Even big dates, like 9/11, would probably slip past me if the media didn't remind me.  I do make an extra effort to remember certain special dates like the day I got married, or my wife's birthday.  The kids usually start talking about their birthdays about six months in advance, so there's no problem remembering them either.

Tomorrow is a significant date for our family.  It's the birthday of our first child.  I say first and not oldest, since he died as a baby and is forever fixed at that age in my mind.  My wife is the one who mentioned that his birthday was on Tuesday.  She remembers dates and events.  Even before she mentioned it, I was aware the date was near.  I was raking leaves yesterday.  Every year, when I rake the front yard, I remember back to doing the same thing a couple of days before he was born.  I remember getting home from work and thinking I should clean up the yard - one more task to get out of the way before the baby came.  My wife was still at work so I carried our cell phone with me as I worked - just in case.  We'd gotten the cell phone earlier in the fall, our first one.  Back in 1996, cell phones were not the sleek items they are now.  It was kind of like raking with a brick in my pocket.  Still, I didn't mind.  My mind was focused too far into the future to be bothered by something in the present.

As I raked yesterday, I recalled all those feelings of anticipation and joy.  Our yard has changed over the years.  We've lost and replaced a maple and added a crab apple.  We have far fewer leaves.  Still, the feeling remains.  I suppose if I allowed myself, I could dwell on the events that took place after my son's birth.  I could focus on the feelings of fear, anger and finally grief.  But, I don't allow myself to go there.  My son's life was brief but there were moments of joy and laughter and hope.  On his birthday, that's what I'll remember.  The other feelings have their own date.