Annihilated

I recently watched Patton Oswalt's Annihilation show on NetFlix. I read many positive reviews and remarks on Twitter. Almost unanimously, the show was described as powerful - certain to make you laugh and cry, sometimes simultaneously. Being a fan of his work, and knowing a little of his personal loss (as he's eloquently related in interviews), I was compelled to watch for myself.

Most of you reading this blog know my personal story (let's be honest - most of the people reading this blog are relatives or close friends of mine). You know that when I was thirteen I lost my father, unexpectedly. He lived to the ripe old age of fifty-five. I am now fifty-five myself, and I realize even more just how young it is. His death stunned and shocked me. In an instant we went from being just another "normal" farming family to something else, a single-parent family. Before long, we'd moved off the farm to town. Losing him also meant losing a way of life, part of my own identity. I think it took years to come to terms with all of this and, to be honest, I still consider myself a farm kid.

You likely also know that my wife and I lost our son when he was five months old. Five months is right in that window of when babies really start to become people. They smile and react when they recognize you. They show a preference for one toy over another. From the moment he was born, everything we did was an attempt to express "I love you" to this dear boy. Now, at an age where he could finally let us know that he thought we were pretty okay too, he was gone.

I bring these losses up as part of an explanation for why I was compelled to watch Annihilation. In an attempt to understand my own grieving and emotional survival, I'm drawn to see how others do it. The loss of my father was devastating but I think my thirteen-year old self was too deeply in shock to really cope with it. I was an adult when my son died and his death was excruciating. When you have a child, you can't help but dream about their future. If you're like me, you hope they grow up to be happy people who are kind to others. You run through all the possible careers, all the possible outcomes, except one. And then they're gone and all the dreams die with them and you're left with nothing but the "what might have been". It sucks big time.

And so, I sat down to watch Annihilation with anticipation and a fair amount of trepidation. I accept that everyone grieves in their own way but I really don't get what some people find helpful. I felt a rush of relief as Patton bashed the "everything happens for a reason" sentiment. That one, along with "he's in a better place" are two statements that I have found the least helpful and sometimes hurtful. If anyone reading this happens to be someone who has said this to me, I'm sorry. Please know that I know your intentions were pure and to be honest, offering condolences is hard. None of us possesses the magic words to make everything better. The best you can hope for is to not add to the pain. At least you said something. Not acknowledging a loss sends a pretty strong message as well. So, really, it's a no win, hope to break even sort of game where not playing is the same as losing.

Patton Oswalt opens his heart and does an excellent job of expressing the complex emotions associated with grief and loss. He takes us along with him to glimpse some of the darkest most painful moments and then masterfully uses humor to pull us back from the brink. If you haven't watched Annihilation, I recommend you do so (Except maybe my sister Melody, as some of the language may be too blue for her. 😏)