Semantics

One of N's favorite activities is building things out of boxes. I'm not sure why he likes it so much since it inevitably involves at least one or two meltdowns when things don't go as planned. He is quite creative and often the design he envisions goes beyond the capability of mere cardboard. At that point, the passion of the artist erupts in fits of fury as he attempts to force the material to succumb to his will.

He was having one of these battles recently. I let it go for awhile, hoping it would resolve itself – this hardly ever happens. Finally, I stepped in and tried to help - always a dangerous action. Sometimes he wants help and sometimes he doesn't. I figured I would start by showing him that I recognized how he felt. Unfortunately, I chose my words poorly:

• Me: Hey, Is that thing not working out?
• N (crying): It won't work! It keeps flipping up and now it's totally ruined!
• Me: Can I help you?
• N (still crying): It's not going to work! This is the worst day of my life!
• Me: Listen, I appreciate the fact that you are frustrated...
• N (shouting): You're glad I'm crying? (with extreme incredulity) You're glad!?
• Me: That's not what I said.
• N (accusing now): Yes it is! You said you appreciated it. That means you're glad. You're mean, Dad!

Another fine parenting moment. I had successfully converted his sadness and anger toward a piece of cardboard into hatred towards me. Maybe not exactly what I had planned but at least it was something I could work with. I was pretty sure I could get him to stop hating me. That cereal box, on the other hand, was never going to magically mold itself into a cat drawbridge.

I tried to explain that appreciate had other meanings, but I was met with looks of suspicion. I felt like a politician trying to distance myself from an unfavorable remark that everyone knew I had said (e.g. "I never said he was un-American"). N was not in the mood to hear it, and my explanation only served to fuel his skepticism.

Since that night, N and I have discussed the various meanings of the word appreciate. I think he understands what I was trying to say but he maintains that I should have said it differently - I wholeheartedly agree. Of course, now that we've discussed its usage, whenever I see him upset, I tell him I appreciate how he's feeling. It usually works to diffuse the situation as he gives me a knowing look of mock admonishment.

For reference:

ap•pre•ci•ate

transitive verb appreciated -•at′ed, appreciating -•at′•ing

1. to think well of; understand and enjoy; esteem
2. to recognize and be grateful for; be thankful for
3. to estimate the quality or worth of, esp. favorably
4. to be fully or sensitively aware of; notice with discrimination
5. to raise the price or value of

N heard #1, I meant #4.